Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize