I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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