Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
