i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
