I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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