So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
