I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Randomize
