I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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