i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in