Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
