my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
3 2 1 whiskey
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
