My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
