my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
