My liver just broke up with me...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
