I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
