remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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