I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
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frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
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and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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