just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
