please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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