im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
