some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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