I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
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I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
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I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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