My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
In other news, I just burned my penis
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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