I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
