what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Sorry my hands just texted you
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
