i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We just shotgunned beers for America
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
