Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
