I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
