You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
