Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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