he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
