Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Randomize
