This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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