We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
how does that bad decision feel?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
