She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
