One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
