Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
