I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
