I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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