just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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