Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
