Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
