so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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