The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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