It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
