Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Sacagawea was the original milf.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
