Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Watching her eat just hurts me
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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