phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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