I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Text me some of your sweat
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
