I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just took my morning after pill in the library
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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