Im at strip club and am horny
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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