she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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