I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
there is glitter all over my balls
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