I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
