I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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