Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
