I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
